And Many More on Channel Four...

MLBlogs turns one today. One is a big birthday for people. I remember my first birthday like it was yesterday. There was cake and ice cream and songs and dancing. And the rest of the kids and I sat in our high chairs slurping down carrots and green beans like there was no tomorrow watching the adults eat all the goodies. I think I got a new bib as one of my biggest gifts.

          If this were a wedding, I would have to buy the MLBlogs something wood. Wood is what you buy someone for your first anniversary. I find that somewhat ironic because I immediately think of paper, which is what people used to write on before this thing called the internet got started by a beard-less Al Gore. Where else can I find the lifetime batting average of Bob Hamelin, catch up on my Kevin Federline gossip and search for different ab exercises that I tell myself I will start first thing tomorrow.

          I am thankful for everything this blog has offered and given me. Mostly, I am thankful the inordinate amount of time in between each post I put up. Mostly. I think the blog has helped me grow as a writer and as a person. Mostly. I have to be mindful of what I say and write because the two people that actually read this thing religiously can call me out on it when I screw up and I hate it when people actually have proof. Call it vanity, but I like to think that what I write here is golden, of such a high quality and standard that it stands the test of time. Or at least until MLB.com’s server gets too clogged up and they have to dump excess weight.

          So where does that leave me? Sitting at the bus stop without fare for a trip to Providence. Why Providence? Why not? I rode their city bus system extensively in November and it was terrible. I will always think of buses when I think of Providence. Isn’t that just a weird juxtaposition considering what Providence is in the biblical sense?

          I realize I never put up my predictions for the season. I got lazy. Actually, I got hysterical. Looking for a job is about as fun as finding a pair of pants that doesn’t make my butt look like an eight-lane freeway. With a carpool lane. But now that the season is two weeks old I couldn’t possibly make predictions without feeling just a tad guilty for already seeing what looks inevitable: my cholesterol is two and half times greater than the number of wins Kansas City fans can expect from their team.

          So happy birthday MLBlogs. I hope you get everything you wish for. I hope that somehow includes Stacy Keibler jumping out of your cake even if you’re only turning one and one year olds cannot possibly realize what that actually means. Just don’t tell anyone else your other wishes or they’ll never come true. I found that out the hard way when Billy Beane just had to be a good GM and trade Mulder and Tim Hudson. I guess some people just have to have their cake and eat it too. Someone pass me the carrots.

Baseball thoughts:

• It’s hard to believe that Pedro Martinez won only his 200^th game yesterday. For someone who is a lock to get into the Hall of Fame, that number seems awfully low.

• Do the Braves miss Obi Won Mazzone? Does Paris Hilton have to remember where she took off her panties each night? As of right April 17, their team ERA is 5.72, their WHIP is 1.53 and they have one win from their starting rotation. I sense a tremor in the force I have not felt in a long time.

• The Devil Rays look pretty good. If they were in another division, people might be talking about a possible wild card birth. But they aren’t and they’ll probably finish third or fourth in their division.

• What are the odds Josh Beckett and Curt Schilling remain this dominant and healthy all season? Slightly better than my chances of finally being able to stop biting my nails. Notice I said slightly better because I haven’t bitten them in a few days. Oh wait, I forgot. I am not supposed to mention fingernails and Beckett in the same area code.

• Who is Chris Shelton and when did Cecil Fielder become a slightly pudgy white guy?

• Albert Pujols is the best baseball player I have ever seen.

• Michael Keaton should stick to making terrible movies, not imparting his two cents on terrible baseball teams.

• Finally, Barry Bonds will retire after this season, if only so Bonds on Bonds can become its own cable channel.