Walk the Plank

I am a terrible racquetball player. That realization struck me the other day when I got skunked by an opponent in three straight games. In layman’s terms, that means I did not score a single point. Not one. In three games. Not even the Royals are that bad.

          The truth is I like racquetball. In fact, I love it. I taught a racquetball “class” this semester (class is such a loose way of putting it, but my “students” do receive a “grade” so I guess that means I had “grade” them which henceforth makes me a “teacher” of a racquetball “class” and also “reaffirms” my previously stated “belief” that I love “air quotes” and will put them on “anything” even if it doesn’t seem “prudent).

Where was I? Oh yeah, racquetball. I stink. I thought I was getting better. I developed a new serve, bought a new racquet and was actually beating some people. And then I get railed like this. Slammed. Walloped. To make matters worse, the guy that violated my ego and pride is going to be my roommate next year which means I’ll have to be constantly reminded of how bad I truly am at something I really enjoy doing. In other words, I felt like the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Now that’s a leap, comparing my futilities at racquetball to the futilities of a baseball team. But I’ll make it work. I always seem to. See, the Pirates were supposed to be better. I certainly thought they would be. They made some big changes through free agency, banked on the continued development of some key youngsters and were rallying around the spirit of hosting this summer’s All-Star game. They even brought in a new manager, Jim Tracy. But so far they’ve flopped. Worse than Mission Impossible III, but at least that has a tangible excuse because no one really likes Tom Cruise anymore.

Currently, the buc-o’s (where did this nickname come from? Is it related somehow to buccaneers? If so, then why aren’t the just called the buccaneers? On second thought, buc-o’s does sound better than the Pira’s.) are 12-27, 12 games out of first place in their division. Only the Royals are more games out from their division lead. I just hope Roberto Clemente is not watching any of this. Heck, I hope Andy Van Slyke, Jay Bell and Bobby Bonilla aren’t watching either.

Looking at their numbers, it is easy to see where things have gone wrong: everywhere. They’ve scored the 3^rd fewest runs in the bigs (155), 5^th fewest hits (327), 4^th worst batting average (.247) and 4^th worst slugging (.387). This is after they added Jeromy Burnitz (ok, maybe it’s a stretch to say adding Jeromy Burtnitz is big, but this is Pittsburgh, not the Bronx) invested in Joe Randa and traded for native son Sean Casey. Burnitz has been abominable, batting .200 with nine runs scored and 34 strikeouts in 140 at-bats compared to seven walks. Randa’s .221 average must make Burnitz salivate but he’s on the DL. And Casey has only played in nine games this season, though in those nine games he was hitting .313. Just don’t blame Jason Bay. Don’t congratulate him either, but don’t blame him. I guess.

Things don’t get much better when their pitchers tow the rubber. The starting rotation, which featured promising youngsters Oliver Perez and Zach Duke, has flopped. The rotation is a combined 8-20 with a 1.66 WHIP, a .292 batting average against and a 5.41 ERA. Perez, who was supposed to lead the staff, has, just in the wrong direction, tossing a 1-5 record with a 7.71 ERA in his first seven starts. And Duke seems to have regressed from last year’s preview (8-2, 1.41 ERA) and is floundering at 2-4 with a 4.24 ERA. Kip Wells’ return could provide a boost once he returns from off-season surgery. That is the first time boost and Kip Wells have ever been mentioned in the same sentence.

So, like my racquetball game, it is fair to say the Pirates stink. And just like my racquetball skills, no one seems to care. At one of the more beautiful ballparks in the country, they are averaging 21,427 per game, 6^th worst in the majors, though no one should bother including Florida into that figure. But there is always hope. I still like their bullpen, if only because I think it could be ripe for the Yankees to plunder in July. Casey could return sooner than expected from fractures in his back. Any maybe, just maybe, they could bring back the old uniforms and blare “We are Family” and the residents of western Pennsylvania will be transported back to a happier time. Like February when the Steelers won the Superbowl. I’m off to work on my serve.

Other thoughts:

• If the media and Barry Bonds have such a strained relationship, why do they cut to everyone of his at-bats as if he were some darling that the entire country was eager to see?

• You know what fun is: actually trying to sit through an entire NBA playoff game. Even a Suns’ game. I’ve tried and just can’t do it. So I guess it’s not fun.

• Now, I may be the only one watching, but the NHL playoffs have been stellar. Buffalo continues to roll. Not that I am surprised.

• I thought about this a lot and here is what I came up with: it is ok for Yankees fans to like David Ortiz and Jason Varitek just like it is ok for Red Sox fans to like Derek Jeter and Hideki Matsui. Speaking of which, that injury was gruesome and crushed me and my fantasy team. Hurry back Godzilla!

• Matt Leinart will make the Pro Bowl in three seasons.

• When will someone finally name a racehorse “Bound to Be Glue”?