Here's Whats Happening in Your Neck of the Woods

I have a west coast bias. I think I started to realize this when I’d get mad because hockey playoff games started at 4 p.m., or how I’d never really know when a television show was coming on because the station would always promote it as 9/8 p.m. Eastern/Central. I lived out west. What does that mean?

          But I really discovered my west coast bias when I started watching the Today show. See, the Today Show is live. Except if you live on the West Coast. Then it’s on tape delay. I would still watch the show, but I always had this thought in the back of my head that it’s not really live and if Matt Lauer or Katie Couric (before she got all serious and went to do the news news) made a mistake, I probably wouldn’t actually be able to see it because the station would edit it and make it seem as perfect as Katie’s smile. Even if she had accidentally said the word ****.

          No, what really made me have the west coast bias from the Today Show was the weather. After Katie and Matt would go to the News desk and then talk about something, they’d drag Willard Scott (who should not be shown to kids under age five) or Al Roker (who should not be shown to any child regardless of age) and have them do the weather. In fact, they’d segue their weather segment by saying that they we’re going to look at the Weather across the country.

          Except that the weather across the country was usually confined to New England and the South and the midwest. They didn’t even bother talking about the West, where I was living, just as much a member of the “across the nation” as anyone. Not a peep. And if they did show an entire national map, nine times out of 10, they’d just throw a big sun over the region as if to tell all the other people that it’s hot in the west and that nothing really changes out there except which way the tumbleweeds might blow that day.

          Bitter? Me, never. I just think that if weathermen are going to talk about the weather across the nation that they should talk about the weather across the nation and not the woman in that turned 105 years old and still takes her poodle, vanilla, out for a walk every morning to get her cup of coffee and glazed jelly donut.

          So in that vane (as in weather vane, look it up), I am going to give out a weather report for all 30 MLB Clubs as we head into the 2007 season. Today will be the National League. The next post will be the American League. And yes, I would like to say a special birthday wish to Don Zimmer, who turns 112 this morning.

NL WEST (as if I’d start anywhere else)

·         Dodgers: Mostly Sunny with a few scattered clouds: Any team with Grady Little as their manager should not feel overly confident. I like Jason Schmidt to have a good year. I can’t say the same about Juan Pierre. It’s hard as to see Luis Gonzalez on this team. Derek Lowe and Randy Wolf are interesting starters, but I can’t see either winning more than 12 games. They got Nose-mar, which means they got Mia, which means I would watch their games only to see her. I hate Dodger fans, but still think they’ll contend for, if not win, the division.

·         Diamondbacks: Overcast, but with a sunny 10-day forecast: A young team on the verge of getting more than 23,000 people out to the ballpark. Stephen Drew leads the assault with Carlos Quentin and Connor Jackson providing ample support. Eric Byrnes still gets my vote in player most likely to kill himself during a game. The Big Unit is back, literally and figuratively, as his back is the ultimate question mark. At least Brandon Webb and Livan Hernandez, they know they have some guys who will eat up innings. And cupcakes. I’d give this team another year before seriously contending.

·         San Diego: Storms on the horizon: I think this team will struggle. Losing Bruce Bochy is a big hit. And playing in that park won’t help the hitters. Ever. Greg Maddux is good, but he doesn’t even look like Matthew Broderick anymore, that’s how old he is. I think Jake Peavy rebounds and Chris Young comes back to Earth. They reunite the Giles brothers, but their lineup has the looks of a team that hits .262 for the season.

·         San Francisco: Still stuck in a Hurricane: Rumor has it that ESPN’s Pedro Gomez will actually live in Bonds’ elbow pad this year and provide in-depth coverage of the slugger’s quest to dishonor Aaron’s immortality. I thought he’d retire before he ever broke the record. I also thought Anna Nicole would live forever. Have you looked at their line-up? Dirt would look at it and say it looks old. Omar Vizquel has fossils younger than him. I love Barry Zito and think Matt Cain could be good, but this team won’t flourish under these conditions.

·         Colorado: Snowing with little chance of letting up: Seriously, can this team ever be taken seriously. They toyed with the idea of trading Todd Helton. That makes as  much sense as “You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie.” Yeah, they’ll hit the ball just fine. Great perhaps. But their pitching staff reminds me of Star Jones: Disgustingly thin and obnoxiously annoying. That doesn’t make sense. Neither does pitching in Coors Canaveral.

NL Central

·         St. Louis: Humidity Rising, Clouds developing: I like any team with Mark Mulder, even if he pitches only half the year, but beyond Chris Carpenter, the staff is as thin as Karen Carpenter. Folks, Braden Looper is going to be a starter. Seek shelter unless you covet the gopher ball. This team is just like the giants; they are old and older. Jim Edmonds starts the season on the DL, one of his nine appearances there this season.

·         Milwaukee: Clouds Breaking Up, Expect Sunshine: They were sexy last year and I think they are a sexier pick this year. Why? Because their manager used to be a tire changer for Dale Earnhardt and that means they are awesome. Otherwise, all their young pieces are up in the lineup and things are expected. Prince might finally claim his throne, although like Brett Favre, Geoff Jenkins just won’t go away. Their rotation is good, with Ben Sheets as the proverbial “Ace if he wasn’t hurt every two weeks.” I like this team.

·         Houston: Overcast, but a Rocket’s Re-Entry Could Scatter Clouds: Roy Oswalt is a stud. So is Berkman. Biggio can still play. And they got Carlos Lee to hit dingers in the short porch. And then there’s Adam Everett and Brad Ausmus who won’t hit above .240. After Oswalt, Woody Williams and Jason Jennings are serviceable. Check back in July on this team.

·         Chicago: Cloudy, with Heavy Storms a Possibility: Love Derrek Lee. Love Zambrano, though he won’t be here next year so they’d better try now. But their rotation is the deepest in the division and that’s with Mark Pryor as a No. 5 starter. Oh, and they got some kid named Soriano. He could be good. Picking the Cubs to anything other than lose is easier than getting your hopes up because their GM spent more money than Nancy Grace on her last witch-lift. I always hope with this team, but I never wish.

·         Pittsburgh: Mired in a Drought. Chances of Rain Slim: I like Jason Baya lot and think Adam LaRoche could be a good compliment. Otherwise, I don’t expect Freddy Sanchez to repeat last year’s heroics and I don’t see a lot of runs from this team. Think padres east, except younger pitching and a worse bullpen. How they ever traded Mike Gonzalez I’ll never understand. Not going to be a good year.

·         The Nati: Drizzling all year. Buy Flood Insurance: Any team that can get Bronson Arroyo for Wily Mo Pena should have karma on their side. Any team that shells out a lot of money for Eric Milton loses that karma instantly. Adam Dunn is great. I wish he would fight more. Aaron Harang has the world’s biggest head, bigger than Kevin Mench and Ken Griffey Jr. is on this team and I am still sad he ever left the mariners. The ghost of Marge Schott reins for a while here.

NL East

·         WasNationals: Invest in Umbrellas. Even Frank Robinson got washed away from this mess. I really like Ryan Zimmerman. And that’s about it for their line up. It’s a bad ballpark for hitters and they’ve got Christian Guzman clogging up their lineup. Bad. What’s worse is their pitching, as they’re projected to start Tim Redding, who was last seen in a Yankees uniform, pitching one inning against the Red Sox and getting released the next day.

·         Phish: Pockets of Sunlight. Here’s an idea for a young team nobody thought would contend and then suddenly does: fire your Manager of the Year. Wow. Smart move. And I say this as a Sabre fan because I’ve seen it happen before. They remind me a lot of the diamonbacks except they have Miguel Cabrera, a bonafide superstar. Could be a lot of pop in that lineup. And they have a nice, young pitching staff that will get depleted after this year when Dontrizzle leaves for the Yankees. Still a year or two away.

·         Queens: Sunny and Breezy. The best the NL has to offer, the Mets should go to the World Series. They might not win, but they should be there. Delgado, Beltran and Reyes, Oh My. And David Wright will be on a Wheaties Box soon. Plus Pedro, Tom Glavine (who refuses to get older) and what I project as a rebound year for Oliver Perez lead me to like the Queens in shea.

·         Philly: Plenty of Sunshine with a chance for a hail of batteries. If this team doesn’t win, look out. Look out as in eating at Pat’s at 3 a.m. after drinking Stoli martinis straight up all night with Whiskey to finish the evening. All the pieces are there, from sms’s phinest to the best second baseman in baseball to a talented rotation with a southpaw stud. The bullpen worries me, but this team better win. Or else… Pizza’s going to come after you.

·         Mylanta: Always a chance for plenty of sun. Bobby Cox is the best manager in the past 15 years. It’s ok to take your foot off the brake Tony, you know it’s true. The Jones Boys, Andruw and Larry Wayne, are back for round 112, Bryan McCann looks nice, Jeff Francouer just threw out the Russians for trying to steal Alaska back and they have a rotation filled with veterans who desperately miss Leo Mazzone. This team will contend. As always.

So that’s the weather report for the NL. And if you couldn’t tell, I don’t expect the World Series winner to come from the Senior Circuit this year.