So I just had to watch an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm before I started this thing. I just had to. This is the 2^nd Annual Geoff Herberg NBA Mock Draft (at this point, I thought about providing a link to last year’s edition, as if I the many readers I have would remember my old stuff. But I decided against it. But maybe…just maybe…if….you, you know, uh…)

          Where I was? Yeah, NBA Draft. 2^nd Anniversary. Big Things. But first I’ll start on the diamond for some brief thoughts on the hardball.

• Love the Royals’ acquisition of Joey Gathright. He’s young, athletic and very fast. Someone told me a buzz circulates at the Big K when he comes to bat. They would be right.

• Peter Gammons, please hurry back. I may talk a good game, but I sure don’t know it all. My thoughts and prayers are with you right now.

• Seems like a small bump in the road for Robinson Cano. Which is a big sigh of relief.

• Yikes. Things just get worse in Pittsburgh. There was a time when Oliver Perez was a highly liked southpaw with nasty stuff. Those days seem to be a long time ago.

So here goes nothing…

1. Toronto: Andrea Bargnani

I think a trade is possible. Unfortunately for Bryan Colangelo, the top prospects are not in the backcourt. So he goes here because he just hired another Italian guy to be his Asst. GM and that seems like writing on the wall.

2. Chicago: Tyrus Thomas

Seems like a great pick up for the Baby Bulls. Thomas is raw but very talented. I’m looking forward to seeing them.

3. Charlotte: Brandon Roy

I think Roy is the best player ready to contribute immediately in the draft. I watched this guy play a lot and he is good at everything.  Would be a great pick to start the Michael Jordan era.

4. Portland: Adam Morrison

Seems like an easy pick for a team that has drowned in the court of public opinion and billionaire owners. Morrison might put people back in the seats. It’s not for certain.

5. Atlanta: LaMarcus Aldridge

Another terrific pick. Aldridge adds to the talent they have in Joe Johnson, Al Harrington, Josh Smith and Marcus Williams. Yes, I had to look up their roster.

6. Minnesota: Marcus Williams

How the mighty have fallen. This team needs help in a lot of places, especially after the latest injury.  Williams is the consensus top point guard prospect in the draft.

7. Boston: Rudy ***

No player has fallen further. Seemed to be the top player during the season. Danny Ainge will gladly scoop him up and we’ll have a 10,000 word Sports Guy essay on the ramifications of the Rudy *** jersey.

8. Houston: Ronnie Brewer

I like this pick. Brewer is a talented player who could add some scoring to T-Mac and Yao. If they’re healthy. That’s a big if.

9. Golden State: Patrick O’Bryant

Chris Mullin is now in charge out on the coast and pairing up O’Bryant with Diogu gives them some nice talent inside to match their strengths on the wing.

10. Seattle: Cedric Simmons

Once again, a team that needs help on the interior. This is a pick I relied solely on the experts to make because I don’t know much about Simmons except that his coach just left the Wolfpack to run Arizona State further into the ground.

11. Orlando: Rodney Carney

Quick: name two other starters on this team besides Dwight Howard. They need bodies. Carney seems like he a versatile player that contribute quickly. Another experts’ pick.

12. The Hornets: Shelden Williams

I am not convinced Williams will be anything more than Mark West or Brian Grant, but he compliments Chris Paul. And the other guys they have…Though they do have another pick at 15.

13. Philly: Randy Foye

Talk about dream situation for Foye and Filly phans. He and AI would be a great tandem to watch, not to mention the addition of Andre Iguodala on the wing. Even Stephen A. might be happy after this one.

14. Utah: J.J. Redick

Another perfect situation. Redick has back issues but so did Jeff Hornacek. And Redick will be able to move from Duke to Utah and never thought he left.

Other thoughts:

• The Suns seem like a team that could move up. With two #1 picks, they might shoot up to get someone they like. But that does not mean they’ll trade Shawn Marion. At least not this season.

• Whoever drafts Mike Gansey, Hassan Adams, PJ Tucker, Leon Powe and Curtis Stinson will get steals whenever they are drafted. These guys will succeed at the next level.

• Can someone please explain to me why Kyle Lowry and Jordan Farmar are in this draft? Both would have benefited from another year of school and could have been lottery picks.

• At this point Larry Brown should just retire to Del Boca Vista.

I’ve been meaning to do this for a while. I swear. Hey, at least I made it out before Suri.

          I’m back in Kansas and start my new job on Monday. I am very excited. Anyone would be getting to work in sports. And thusly, this site will forever be Jayhawk free. It just has to be that way. Unless you want updates on our cross country teams or knowledge about the second-largest track meet in the country. I’m fine with it. Are you?

          Of course I’ve been watching the World Cup. It has been great.  Well, except for us. That sure wasn’t fun. That or about 170 minutes of England’s two matches. But at least they have six points. And David Beckham. Which means they also have Posh. Which means they could potentially have Sporty Spice and for some reason she was always my favorite, not Ginger or Baby or Scary or even Posh. Which makes me think I know way too much about the Spice Girls even though I never saw a second of Spiceworld, I swear, even when it was on TBS. Which makes me wonder if you’re still reading this, what after three very long sentences dedicated solely to the Spice Girls when my original intention was to talk about the World Cup and how much fun it has been? Right, the World Cup! It makes me so happy just thinking about it.

          And there has plenty of baseball. Of course I headed out to the Valley of the Sun and caught only one game. A big shellacking after the whole Jason Grimsley thing broke. Wasn’t that just lovely? Add this to things that make you go Hmmmm…: Right after that story broke, Albert Pujols got injured. Like the next day. Now people are suspecting him. I have my reservations. It’s not like he’s that big. Rest in Peace, Earthquake. Rest in Peace. 

          So in baseball, there have been the Yankees. They seem to still be doing quite well, despite missing two-thirds of their outfield. Say what you will about what they spend to get said outfield, and it is ludicrous, they are still in first place in a very tough division. Ok, not by much. But that’s all it takes to put the pennant up in your stadium. Deal. With. It. 

          Of course, I am still not conceding anything I have said about the Blue Jays, even as they stand two games back from those Bronx Bombers as of right now. Ok, their offense is good. Yes, that is severely understated because I am a Yankees fan and I do not take them seriously. Until I realize they’ve won two World Series in the past 15 years and I dig into their numbers. The Blue Jays lead the majors in runs scored, hits and batting average and are second in RBIs, on-base percentage and home runs.

          But then there’s the pitching. 23^rd in ERA. 10^th in earned runs as a staff. And their bullpen has thrown the sixth most innings of any unit toeing the rubber. Of the five team ahead of them, four have losing records. Except the Mets. And their bullpen ERA is a run and a half less than our Canadian neighbors.

          And the Royals. They fired their General Manager. Wake me up in three years when I can see the results.

          So where does that leave. Ah yes, back to the World Cup. I originally picked the Germans to win the thing, but after watching the Argentines, I have my doubts.

          Hockey, you say? Haven’t I been watching the Stanley Cup Finals since I profess to be such a big hockey fan? I have, even after the heartbreak of the Sabres subsided. It has been a great series and is totally up for grabs now. How to fix it? That’s simple: get it on a bigger network. When I was in LA, my sister had 100 channels included in her basic cable connection. The Outdoor Life Network was not one of them. They can try to change their name but even that won’t save it. Thank you Bob Goodenow.

          And the NBA? Yes, I’ve watched. And it has been painful. The Western Conference Finals were great. Mark Cuban winning the NBA Championship is not. This would be a bad thing for the NBA and ESPN. Trust me.

          So where does that leave us? With this closing thought: has it ever occurred to anyone else that Star Wars is ultimately about the drama surrounding two Jewish Princesses? Both in the movie and in real life.  Why isn’t this talked about more? Does that mean Luke was Jewish too? Not with that blonde hair. But there’s always a chance with Lando.

I am taking this show back to Phoenix for a little while. I need the sun. I need the heat. And I need the miles and miles and miles of freeways with photo radar. Oh, and the heat. Did I mention that I need the unbearable heat?

          Well, I guess the heat is not that bad. It is a dry heat. That is what I tell everyone. Like being trapped in a really big oven. Except there isn’t a door and the wind doesn’t even offer a respite from the endless heat because it feels like a slow moving hair dryer. But it least it gets me out of Kansas for a while and the way the Royals are playing, that might just be a good thing. Even if I can’t touch my steering wheel for ten minutes upon entering my car.

          The Royals have people freaked out. And that tells me a lot. If this were Phoenix, no one would care. Phoenix is a terrible sports town. Phoenicians only love their teams when they’re doing well. Or in the case of the Cardinals, never. Of course now everyone is a Cardinals fan and everyone has a Matt Leinart or Edgerrin James jersey and every season ticket is sold out for the upcoming season but as soon as they lost two in a row everyone will forget all about them.

Wait, this is a Royals column. I’ll have plenty of time to talk about the Cardinals later.

Kansas and the surrounding area are different from what I am used to. People care about their teams. I don’t think I’ve run into many people originally from here that aren’t Chiefs fans. They love their teams, through thick and thin. And people care about the Royals, even after they blow a six-run 1^st inning lead to extend their losing streak to 13 games. In fact, what the Royals did had not happened in 23 years.

Royals’ fans want answers. They want to know when things are going to get better. They want George Brett to reenact his memorable freak out, except this time do it to the GM and the owner and the manager and the trainer and the bat boy. Except I don’t think it is going to happen and they know this and yet they still yearn for this team to get better.

          In 1962, the New York Mets lost 120 games. That is the benchmark of futility in baseball. Detroit came close in 2003 when they lost 119 but then again Detroit is also the best team in baseball right now and the same players that lost all those games are the same one guiding them to 13 wins in their last 14 games. Currently, the Royals are 10-35. Only three teams in MLB history have had worse records than that through 45 games. The Mets aren’t one of them. Kansas City has won two games on the road out of 22. The Mets were 18-62 on the road in 1962. As of this point, the Royals are on pace to finish 36-126. They are playing so bad even Barry Melrose is ripping them.

          Here’s how the Royals compare to the 1962 Mets in some team stats. Now granted the Mets are figured over an entire season, but this is just a way of comparing for the time being:

	Average	OBP	ERA	WHIP
Mets	.240	.317	5.04	1.50
Royals	.251	.310	5.97	1.62

          I don’t have a quick fix solution for the Royals. I do not have the time, energy, patience or sanity to try and fix that jigsaw puzzle. And I am not alone. Here is what 1B Doug Mientkiewicz said after blowing game 13: “I’ve kind of run of things to say. There’s really not that much to talk about.” This was after the same game where he, as a corner infielder, hit his first home run of the year. Of course, he probably doesn’t have too much to worry about since he’ll probably be traded in July to a contender. So will Reggie Sanders.

          This column doesn’t have much to offer to Royals fans. I feel bad for them. Well, not all of them. But I gotta believe that they’ll manage to avoid all-time futility. I hope. We all do. Having a team break that record is not what baseball needs with all the other negative aspects surrounding the game. There is still a lot of baseball to be played. The Chiefs have Herm Edwards now as their head coach and we all know how he feels about why you play the games. Just keep reminding yourself of that. At least you don’t have to deal with the heat. Well, I might be wrong about that too.

Thoughts:

• Classy move by Frank Robinson yesterday. I have been critical of him in the past but his response to having to pull Matt LeCroy from his catching duties in the middle of the inning was sincere. 

• Ok, so maybe I was slightly wrong about the NBA playoffs. Yes, I did make it through an entire game the other night and it was exciting. The Suns-Mavericks series should be epic. The league has the 2003 draft to thank for this. Maybe things are finally starting to change…

• But I still have some problems. All the excitement I saw could not have endured without the artificial noise being pumped over the action. Nothing is more exciting than having someone tell me when to chant “defense” or playing the latest hit rap song in the background so I don’t possibly hear the coaches barking out orders or the scuffling of feet on the hardwood. And of course, all that noise keeps me distracted from noticing all the traveling all the players do, though I am talking about the NBA and that really should not surprise me anymore at this point. Or the obnoxious “pump fake, get my opponent in the air and then jump into him as he’s coming down as if I am going to shoot and get the fouled called on him. Even though I jumped into him.” Yeah, the NBA. It’s FAN-tastic.

• The Sabres continue to amaze me. I love this team. And at this point, I might just be needed to suit up for them on defense.

• Hi, I don’t think I know you. Oh, you’re the Indy 500. Didn’t you used to be a premier American sports event?

• And I wouldn’t be the vain superstar I am without mentioning this.

I am a terrible racquetball player. That realization struck me the other day when I got skunked by an opponent in three straight games. In layman’s terms, that means I did not score a single point. Not one. In three games. Not even the Royals are that bad.

          The truth is I like racquetball. In fact, I love it. I taught a racquetball “class” this semester (class is such a loose way of putting it, but my “students” do receive a “grade” so I guess that means I had “grade” them which henceforth makes me a “teacher” of a racquetball “class” and also “reaffirms” my previously stated “belief” that I love “air quotes” and will put them on “anything” even if it doesn’t seem “prudent).

Where was I? Oh yeah, racquetball. I stink. I thought I was getting better. I developed a new serve, bought a new racquet and was actually beating some people. And then I get railed like this. Slammed. Walloped. To make matters worse, the guy that violated my ego and pride is going to be my roommate next year which means I’ll have to be constantly reminded of how bad I truly am at something I really enjoy doing. In other words, I felt like the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Now that’s a leap, comparing my futilities at racquetball to the futilities of a baseball team. But I’ll make it work. I always seem to. See, the Pirates were supposed to be better. I certainly thought they would be. They made some big changes through free agency, banked on the continued development of some key youngsters and were rallying around the spirit of hosting this summer’s All-Star game. They even brought in a new manager, Jim Tracy. But so far they’ve flopped. Worse than Mission Impossible III, but at least that has a tangible excuse because no one really likes Tom Cruise anymore.

Currently, the buc-o’s (where did this nickname come from? Is it related somehow to buccaneers? If so, then why aren’t the just called the buccaneers? On second thought, buc-o’s does sound better than the Pira’s.) are 12-27, 12 games out of first place in their division. Only the Royals are more games out from their division lead. I just hope Roberto Clemente is not watching any of this. Heck, I hope Andy Van Slyke, Jay Bell and Bobby Bonilla aren’t watching either.

Looking at their numbers, it is easy to see where things have gone wrong: everywhere. They’ve scored the 3^rd fewest runs in the bigs (155), 5^th fewest hits (327), 4^th worst batting average (.247) and 4^th worst slugging (.387). This is after they added Jeromy Burnitz (ok, maybe it’s a stretch to say adding Jeromy Burtnitz is big, but this is Pittsburgh, not the Bronx) invested in Joe Randa and traded for native son Sean Casey. Burnitz has been abominable, batting .200 with nine runs scored and 34 strikeouts in 140 at-bats compared to seven walks. Randa’s .221 average must make Burnitz salivate but he’s on the DL. And Casey has only played in nine games this season, though in those nine games he was hitting .313. Just don’t blame Jason Bay. Don’t congratulate him either, but don’t blame him. I guess.

Things don’t get much better when their pitchers tow the rubber. The starting rotation, which featured promising youngsters Oliver Perez and Zach Duke, has flopped. The rotation is a combined 8-20 with a 1.66 WHIP, a .292 batting average against and a 5.41 ERA. Perez, who was supposed to lead the staff, has, just in the wrong direction, tossing a 1-5 record with a 7.71 ERA in his first seven starts. And Duke seems to have regressed from last year’s preview (8-2, 1.41 ERA) and is floundering at 2-4 with a 4.24 ERA. Kip Wells’ return could provide a boost once he returns from off-season surgery. That is the first time boost and Kip Wells have ever been mentioned in the same sentence.

So, like my racquetball game, it is fair to say the Pirates stink. And just like my racquetball skills, no one seems to care. At one of the more beautiful ballparks in the country, they are averaging 21,427 per game, 6^th worst in the majors, though no one should bother including Florida into that figure. But there is always hope. I still like their bullpen, if only because I think it could be ripe for the Yankees to plunder in July. Casey could return sooner than expected from fractures in his back. Any maybe, just maybe, they could bring back the old uniforms and blare “We are Family” and the residents of western Pennsylvania will be transported back to a happier time. Like February when the Steelers won the Superbowl. I’m off to work on my serve.

Other thoughts:

• If the media and Barry Bonds have such a strained relationship, why do they cut to everyone of his at-bats as if he were some darling that the entire country was eager to see?

• You know what fun is: actually trying to sit through an entire NBA playoff game. Even a Suns’ game. I’ve tried and just can’t do it. So I guess it’s not fun.

• Now, I may be the only one watching, but the NHL playoffs have been stellar. Buffalo continues to roll. Not that I am surprised.

• I thought about this a lot and here is what I came up with: it is ok for Yankees fans to like David Ortiz and Jason Varitek just like it is ok for Red Sox fans to like Derek Jeter and Hideki Matsui. Speaking of which, that injury was gruesome and crushed me and my fantasy team. Hurry back Godzilla!

• Matt Leinart will make the Pro Bowl in three seasons.

• When will someone finally name a racehorse “Bound to Be Glue”?

MLBlogs turns one today. One is a big birthday for people. I remember my first birthday like it was yesterday. There was cake and ice cream and songs and dancing. And the rest of the kids and I sat in our high chairs slurping down carrots and green beans like there was no tomorrow watching the adults eat all the goodies. I think I got a new bib as one of my biggest gifts.

          If this were a wedding, I would have to buy the MLBlogs something wood. Wood is what you buy someone for your first anniversary. I find that somewhat ironic because I immediately think of paper, which is what people used to write on before this thing called the internet got started by a beard-less Al Gore. Where else can I find the lifetime batting average of Bob Hamelin, catch up on my Kevin Federline gossip and search for different ab exercises that I tell myself I will start first thing tomorrow.

          I am thankful for everything this blog has offered and given me. Mostly, I am thankful the inordinate amount of time in between each post I put up. Mostly. I think the blog has helped me grow as a writer and as a person. Mostly. I have to be mindful of what I say and write because the two people that actually read this thing religiously can call me out on it when I screw up and I hate it when people actually have proof. Call it vanity, but I like to think that what I write here is golden, of such a high quality and standard that it stands the test of time. Or at least until MLB.com’s server gets too clogged up and they have to dump excess weight.

          So where does that leave me? Sitting at the bus stop without fare for a trip to Providence. Why Providence? Why not? I rode their city bus system extensively in November and it was terrible. I will always think of buses when I think of Providence. Isn’t that just a weird juxtaposition considering what Providence is in the biblical sense?

          I realize I never put up my predictions for the season. I got lazy. Actually, I got hysterical. Looking for a job is about as fun as finding a pair of pants that doesn’t make my butt look like an eight-lane freeway. With a carpool lane. But now that the season is two weeks old I couldn’t possibly make predictions without feeling just a tad guilty for already seeing what looks inevitable: my cholesterol is two and half times greater than the number of wins Kansas City fans can expect from their team.

          So happy birthday MLBlogs. I hope you get everything you wish for. I hope that somehow includes Stacy Keibler jumping out of your cake even if you’re only turning one and one year olds cannot possibly realize what that actually means. Just don’t tell anyone else your other wishes or they’ll never come true. I found that out the hard way when Billy Beane just had to be a good GM and trade Mulder and Tim Hudson. I guess some people just have to have their cake and eat it too. Someone pass me the carrots.

Baseball thoughts:

• It’s hard to believe that Pedro Martinez won only his 200^th game yesterday. For someone who is a lock to get into the Hall of Fame, that number seems awfully low.

• Do the Braves miss Obi Won Mazzone? Does Paris Hilton have to remember where she took off her panties each night? As of right April 17, their team ERA is 5.72, their WHIP is 1.53 and they have one win from their starting rotation. I sense a tremor in the force I have not felt in a long time.

• The Devil Rays look pretty good. If they were in another division, people might be talking about a possible wild card birth. But they aren’t and they’ll probably finish third or fourth in their division.

• What are the odds Josh Beckett and Curt Schilling remain this dominant and healthy all season? Slightly better than my chances of finally being able to stop biting my nails. Notice I said slightly better because I haven’t bitten them in a few days. Oh wait, I forgot. I am not supposed to mention fingernails and Beckett in the same area code.

• Who is Chris Shelton and when did Cecil Fielder become a slightly pudgy white guy?

• Albert Pujols is the best baseball player I have ever seen.

• Michael Keaton should stick to making terrible movies, not imparting his two cents on terrible baseball teams.

• Finally, Barry Bonds will retire after this season, if only so Bonds on Bonds can become its own cable channel.

I just got back from the Big Apple. Frank is right: there is not a better place on Earth. Whether it is the cabs or the jostling or the pizza, Gotham is the place for me.

When I got into LaGuardia and went to retrieve my bag, I saw a cockroach fighting its way against the baggage carousel. A guy looked at and me and said that is gross. We all stepped back and watched the bug struggle with its fate as it dodged briefcases and dufflebags. As an English teacher at heart, I could not ignore the symbolism.

          I saw all the sights. Rode the subway. Hit up nearly every part of the city. I managed to find Magnolia Bakery (and if you haven’t watched A Day in the Life of Natalie Portman, you simply must). I walked by the Soup Man’s kitchen. Basically, I just picked a direction and started walking. There is something truly intoxicating about walking through the endless grid.

I even saw a few celebrities, including Sean Paul and Eddie Curry. Sean Paul was doing something for MTV and I snagged a photo while dozens of NYPD’s finest guarded the dancehall singer like he was the reincarnation of Bob Marley, which he certainly is not. Curry got out of a Phantom and signed autographs, including a copy of Edith Wharton’s The Age of Innocence. If that does not up the resale value of the 1921 Pulitzer Prize winner, what does?

I also went to Madison Square Garden. A basketball game even broke out. Well, that was before Channing Frye injured his knee in one the ugliest collisions I have ever seen on a court. But the Garden was incredible, a true stage. I sat there trying to imagine Jordan’s baseline dunk on the entire Knicks team or Reggie Miller taunting Mars Blackman. All the new stadiums, no matter the sport, will never be able to capture the essence of some of these older venues. Nothing can replace the memories or replicate the excitement that comes with going to a game at MSG, Arrowhead or Dodger Stadium.

That was my first Bob Costas moment.

          Will I get back soon? Only time will tell. But I already miss it.

Some other thoughts:

• Need to get a Chiefs note in here: The Chiefs’ loss of Tony Richardson should not be overlooked. Their offensive line is great, but Richardson provided ample blocking and energy to the running game. The Vikings just got one the best blocking fullbacks in the league.

• Can anyone explain to me the fascination with Deal or No Deal? I mean besides the chance to see 40 beautiful women who open briefcases with large sums of money. When did Howie Mandel lose the Bobby’s World and gain the Kojak? There has not been a bigger transformation by a more fledgling comedian since Carrot Top started pumping iron.

• The World Baseball Classic came and went and I was not shocked to see the Japanese win the whole thing. I was surprised that the Dominicans did not make it to the finals. I think it was ultimately a success and will do well to follow the coattails of Winter Olympics every four years to promote the sense of nationalism and give us something else to talk about besides ice dancing and Bode Miller.

• The NCAA tournament has been a roller coaster of highs and lows. The Arizona Wildcats gave Villanova everything they had and made it a great game, just as I had predicted. The Missouri Valley Conference has two teams in the Sweet 16. The nation’s capital looks to be a hotbed of hoops that will give future presidents a chance for respite from the quagmire. And the Kansas Jayhawks took the quick hook, something I never saw coming. I guess that’s why they call it March Madness.

• I am sad to see Paul Tagliabue leave.

Where have I been? Where have you been? There seems to be so much going on that I don’t know where to start. March Madness. Spring Training. NFL Free Agency. A new season of The Real World. End of the Gauntlet. New Seasons of Sopranos. And of course, the WNIT.

Where to start? Where to end? Does it matter? How many sentences can I write consecutively that are questions? Will you keep reading this if I try? Was the sentence two sentences ago passive voice? Should I know that since I have an English degree?

          Fine, I’ll stop. I am in a tizzy and not just because I got treated like Michael Fay last night in racquetball. So here it goes: a desperate attempt to offer my sweeping thoughts on a plethora of subjects. There will not be a quiz.

Baseball Thoughts:

·         I think there are some irregularities to Barry Bonds and his situation. Too many questions and those whom appear to have the answers let their sources decry a public figure behind a cowardly shroud of anonymity. That’s why I won’t buy any of the books that have recently come out. Name the sources. Until they do, Barry Bonds will remain a lock for the Hall of Fame. And all the while, Bonds plays the sullen victim so perfectly he gets saps like me to somehow defend his questionable decision making.

·         I have not watched much of the World Baseball Classic. But what I have seen has been exciting. If the USA loses, is that more or less embarassing than Team Canada’s Olympic hockey performance?

·         I want to get a Pirates’ note in here for one of my professors: they have assembled a pretty nice bullpen: Damaso Marte, Roberto Hernandez, Salomon Torres and Mike Gonzalez. But that means the starting pitching has to get to them and that means Pirates’ fans will be relying heavily on Kip Wells again. Sounds like another long year inside a beautiful ballpark.

·         I hope Barry Zito remains with the A’s for the rest of his career.

Real World

• Wow! That’s all I can say and we’ve only seen three episodes.

• The house may be the best I have seen in any season thus far. Only the inevitable Real World Playboy Mansion could possibly top this.

• This season’s cast seems like a caricature of the past five seasons. We have a Jewish American Princess. A Frat Boy. An anorexic girl. A mean homosexual guy. And three other people whom won’t do any of the trashy follow-up contests because they have real lives that aren’t dictated by their five-month fling on a reality television show.

Speaking of which…The Gauntlet 2

• I saw the other day that CT admitted to being a redneck. I am at peace with the world.

• I want to know how much the production staff drinks when they come up with some of these Gauntlet Challenges. The upcoming episode will have the teams assembling and racing BMX bikes. Oh, I get it: TJ Lavin is a BMX Champion. How novel!

March Madness thoughts:

• I will never stop believing Bill Self looks like Chief Justice John Roberts.

• Arizona is dancing. I have no qualms with the selection committee’s decisions.

NFL Free Agency

• Thanks for the memories Drew Brees. That 1½ year run was memorable. Enjoy trolling the cellar with the Saints, wherever that may be.

• All Daunte Culpepper could fetch for the Vikings was a 2^nd round pick? Well, this team is run by a Ziggy.

• The Arizona Cardinals, my Arizona Cardinals make a franchise-altering acquisition and it seems to elicit little attention. Edgerrin James is an elite running back. He is under 30. He is far removed from any concerns that could linger about his knee. He runs with the lowest center gravity of any running back in the NFL. This should be bigger news. Bigger than Brees and Culpepper, Reggie Bush and the NFL Draft combined, right? The triplets are no more. Peyton’s ploys should be less effective without the Edge behind him. Shouldn’t this be a bigger story? Or does the NFL secretly know something about the frightening tendency for free agents to blossom into busts upon arriving in the desert?

• I hope Paul Tagliabue does not retire anytime soon.

Dear Baseball Fans,

I am skipping the formalities and going straight to my wish list for the season. Well, it is a partial one.

Please pay strict attention. Stop looking at Stacy Keibler. Stop thinking about  March Madness. Spring training is just about to start and I’m stuck in Kansas instead of getting ready for $1 lawn seats and sunbathing beauties. Needless to say, I’m a little upset. But that is also a good thing because that means that baseball is about to start again.

At this point, Geoff is going to try and write something profound: Baseball is the one thing that brings everyone together. It brings something magical to the air. You start looking at pitching rotations. Even the Royals have a chance. Spring is in the air and with that comes the distinct scent of road trips and two bud lights and doubleheaders and John Fogerty and the gleaming possibility that this is the year you’ll finally catch a foul ball. Baseball is here.

When I wrote that last part, I did so in my best James Earl Jones voice.

So here goes with some of my wishes for the upcoming season.

         

• I hope the Milwaukee Brewers do well, if only because that means I’ll get to here more of the Laverne and Shirley theme song.

• I hope that Hank Aaron is still the Home Run King at the end of this season.

• I hope that Randy Johnson pitches better than this.

• I hope Larry Bowa and Tony Pena get ejected in the same game at least twice this season.

• I hope Jeff Moorad is being serious. He must also pledge to only wear sweatsuits.

• I hope BJ Ryan shows he is worth most of that money. He probably won’t be worth it all.

• I hope Mark Mulder dominates this season in St. Louis and stays a Cardinal for the rest of his career. Although I was greatly pained when he left Oakland, I can’t think of many other places I would have rather seen him wind up. Well, everyone looks great in Pinstripes.

• I hope Buster Olney continues to do such a wonderful job. I don’t know where I’d be without him. Or the friend whose ESPN Insider account I use to access his blog.

• I hope that the Royals, Rockies and Mariners win 225 games combined.

• I hope Ken Griffey Jr. stays healthy. Whoops. There goes that.

• Same thing for Frank Thomas. Dang. That’s two.

• I hope that the Phillies do not trade Bobby Abreu.

• I hope Rick Ankiel hits five home runs this season.

• I hope I never call the Bank One Ballpark whatever it is called now.

• I hope the All-Star game is not as boring as last year.

And while I’m here, let me add the following observations:

• It is very fun to write swear words. I say them. I think them. But I don’t write them nearly enough. They just look funny on paper.
• I think students are now the rudest I have seen in my many, many eons of college.

• I think American hockey fans should not be surprised that the USA did so bad. The team was crafted by the GM of the Atlanta Thrashers and we all know how successful he’s been at building a winner there. It all came down to this for team USA: No Ryan Miller, no chance. 

• I think the conduct of Shani Davis and Lindsey Jacobellis speaks volumes about the state of the Olympics right now. I have watched none of these games and doubt I will want to watch in four years.

So that’s about it right now. What are your wishes? Is it for Prince Fielder to tell us his real name? Is it for the Marlins to play in front of nobody one night so people can realize that they’d look great in Las Vegas ? Let me know. I am only one person and I happen to be a Yankees fan so I guess you know what I am really hoping for:

·         More Stacy Keibler.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I hate Valentine’s Day. Maybe that’s because I “never had a valentine” or because I “hate wearing red” or because I “don’t bathe regularly” ( I think I stole this joke from somewhere, but I can’t quite recall it, so if you know , please inform the restofus. Oh, and please remember to make the air quotes with your fingers when you read the sentence. If you don’t, then the joke just falls flat. So go back and read it again with the air quotes if you didn’t the first time. It’s ok. I’ll wait). But I just don’t like the day.

          So I’m busting out the West Coast Offense again today and just offering some quick thoughts on things baseball, sports and life. Even if Michael Vick is confused about what that actually means. Come to think of it, so am I.

• Everyone wants to know what I think of the Blue Jays. I think they’ll finish third in the American League. Go ahead, tell me all about Bengie Molina’s hitting against lefties or how AJ Burnett gives them three quality starters with Halladay and Lilly. I just am not buying it. They are still not better than New York, whom they were 6-12 against last year, and I think they probably won’t be better than Boston, though the Jays were 11-7 against the Idiots last year.

• I think the World Baseball Classic will be a huge success and people will wonder why there was an underlying sentiment of skepticism surrounding it. Or am I just imagining this?

• Spring Training baseball is one of the greatest things in the world. Right up there with Buffalo wings and any and everything Stacy Keibler.

• I think that if you had said Carolina, Buffalo and the New York Rangers would be three of the top four teams in the Eastern Conference in November, you would have been locked up.

• I think Wayne Gretzky did not do or know anything about the gambling ring.

• Why did you do it, Rick Tocchet?

• I have not watched more than five minutes of the Olympics.

• I think the Arizona Cardinals should sign Edgerrin James. And then sign a line to protect him. I think Dennis Green has this season to prove his mettle or he won’t be around too much longer.

• I don’t think I would sign Terrell Owens for my worst enemy. Not even the Cowboys. He and Marcus Vick should start their own league. Bill Romanowski can be the team physician and pharmacist.
• And finally, we have the Daytona 500 this weekend, which also means I will spend the entire week thinking of Dale Earnhardt. It will be a great race, even after Jimmy Johnson’s crew chief was ejected from Daytona. Boogity Boogity Boogity.

• I have missed a few episodes of the Gauntlet. But they’ll be on 500 times before next week. That’s why I love MTV. That and Ashlee Simpson.

My stereo was stolen last week. Well, sorta. Borrowed may be the better word. Borrowed for an extended period of time without my knowledge. Whether that equates to stealing, I’m not sure. Truthfully, the stereo never left my possession. It just happened to be at someone else’s house. I bring it up because I think that is the best way to describe what happened with Theo Epstein and the Boston Red Sox. Sorta.

          Epstein’s rise in becoming a baseball icon has been meteoric. As the wunderkid behind a group of idiots, he crafted a team that captured the hearts of a nation, won the World Series and finally got Red Sox fans all over the world to stop whining. As a Yankees fan, after I got over the heartbreak of the 2004 ALCS, I even kinda liked the guy. Getting the copious size of Red Sox nation to shut up took talent. It was picture perfect. He grew up a Red Sox fan, went to Harvard and became the youngest GM in baseball history. No one thought he’d ever leave. But then he did. Well, sorta. 

          This is where the soap opera starts. Supposedly, Epstein had a falling out with Red Sox President Larry Lucchino, who served as the Lisa Gastineau to Epstein’s Brittany. Lucchino was apparently upset about the publicity Epstein received in the wake of the 2004 World Series. He wanted the credit. He hired Epstein. He brought him in to this world, surely people would notice, surely people would care about him as much as they cared about his sexy, younger co-star. Just like Lisa on nearly every episode of the show. Sorta.

          But the tactic didn’t work. Epstein allegedly bristled at Lucchino’s actions. He was the star. He was in a band. He had crafted this club in his own image, though really that image was heavily influenced by Bill James, Billy Beane, and a handful of other sabermetric nerds throughout the baseball galaxy. But he had done the work and now he allegedly thought he was being disrespected by Lisa, er, Larry when the time came to renegotiate his contract. So he quit. He walked away from the fame, the hordes of Bostonian Jewish women and the fame of being the guy who breathed new life into the tired refrains of Red Sox fans and left. Sorta.

          Red Sox fans cried. They wailed. They lashed out. They scolded Lucchino. It was his fault. Allegedly. It seemed no one really knew the answers. All they knew was that the Red Sox were suddenly without Theo. Bill Cosby could not have survived without his Theo so there was no hope. Mediocrity was destined to return to Boston Harbor. The prodigal son became the new village idiot, abandoning his tribe of idiots for personal reasons that he should have put in check for the better of Red Sox nation. Sorta.

          So people moved on. Life continued. The Red Sox hired two of Epstein’s assistants to share his former duties. Bill Mueller signed with the Dodgers and Kevin Millar skipped town. Edgar Renteria was shipped out and Josh Beckett was brought into the fold. And Johnny Damon, allegedly low-balled by the new Red Sox leadership contingent, packed his bags for New York, the Evil Empire and the open arms of George Steinbrenner. Without Theo around, the inmates were running the asylum. Now they were really being idiots. Sorta.

          Theo seemed to disappear. He went into hiding, a self-imposed hiatus where he would weigh his options. I read that he might bolt for another team’s helm. Allegedly. Then suddenly whispers started to circulate that Theo was still making calls to the Red Sox, that his Midas touch was still guiding their moves. He was still in charge. He was making the moves from afar, kinda like if Michael had ordered the hits on the other five families from Sicily instead of during his godson’s baptism. Sorta.

          And then he was back. I got voicemails from ecstatic Red Sox fans informing me that the Boston had been re-Theoed. The misery was over. He was reassuming his role as the skipper to a ship that sunk more than it floated. It was a sign that the Yankees were going to lose again, that Johnny Damon was worthless and that everything was back to normal. Sorta.

          Did he really ever leave? I think it’s doubtful. Allegedly. Even if he tried while wearing a gorilla suit. Did he orchestrate the Renteria and Beckett trades? Did he let Johnny Damon walk out of town? Did he have Frank Pantangili killed? Did he invite Larry Lucchino on a fishing trip, only to back out at the last second and send Jed Hoyer or Ben Cherington in his place?

          Who cares. Frankly, it gives some more life to the tired legs of the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry and we know we all need more of that. It gives Joe Buck something to talk about all season, even if neither team is playing. It means I’ll see more Jeannie Zelasko and have to read less about where the Red Sox would have been had Theo remained. Like I said, I’m glad he’s back. Well, sorta.